Devon Biere’s Blog

I just saw the trailer for the new Robert Zemeckis/Jim Carrey 3D digital animated version of “A Christmas Carol.”  I’m certain of 2 things:

1. It will be a huge hit
2. I would rather have Jim Carrey fart in my face than have to sit through this movie

As if “Beowulf” and “The Polar Express” weren’t bad enough, now Zemeckis comes along to desecrate Dickens with yet another motion-capture, computer-generated, uncanny valley crapfest.  I’d much rather see Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman, Bob Hoskins, Robin Wright (Penn?  Penn!  Penn?), and Colin Firth in an actual movie.  Come on, Hollywood!  Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

In honor of this upcoming cinematic sham, I’d like to suggest the following alternate titles.  After all, if you can send Scrooge on a fireworks-fueled ride over London, surely you can play with the title a bit.

1. The Dickens Express
2. Robert Zemeckis’ A Series of Unfortunate Films
3. Scrooged 2: Dead Eye Syndrome
4. A Christmas Cowplop
5. And Decrease the Surplus Actors
6. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 3: Count Olaf’s London Adventure
7. A Humbug’s Life
8. Dumberer and Dumberest: When Jacob Met Ebenezer
9. 3 Ghosts and an Asshole: An IMAX 3D Experience
10. Tiny Tim and the Order of the Pixels

They need to start a support group for directors like George Lucas and Robert Zemeckis.  Quit being geeks and get back to making movies!